Baking Poetry

You love cooking

As much as I love writing

Baking is your poetry

Your Whisk dance like a pen

Your tasting palate

Is where you keep the metaphor

It’s your journal

I would say

 

I only know the oven

As your one true friend

She never betrayed your expectation

The kitchen is your library

The ocean of imaginations

It warps time for you

As magical as writing table

Does to mine

 

I published my work

You sell yours

I did it all for happiness

But I don’t know about you

 

Is standing all day for one cake

Are the things that heal you?

Or is it because you have to?

Either way

You and all that

Is a poetic dedication after all

 

And that’s just one

Out of gazillion reasons

For how huge the measure

Of how much

I adore you, Ma!

 

(November, 10th 2022)

 

Can You Call This A Guide? That Depends

Whenever people would ask if  I like the smell of the  ocean or the aroma of the ground after hours of heavy rain, my answer would be “That depends”. I can like the smell of the ocean if the place where I’m standing is not close enough to where the fishers put their fishing tools or catch, because I just can’t stand the smell of saltwater fish. And I can like the aroma of the ground after hours of heavy rain if I were at some place where there’s grass and lots of tall trees. 

It all works the same when people ask if I like being locked down for the past 2 years without being able to travel. Hell, even for work, we’re told to work from home. Do I like how it went the past 2 years? That depends!

So unfortunately after all this time, I got my turn to experience being Covid positive. I thought it was just normal fever or some kind of dengue fever symptoms. It wasn’t such a huge shock to me to be honest because lots of my colleagues were infected. Lots of people in my apartment building were also infected. It was only a matter of time until my “new normal” hygiene practice was no longer powerful enough to protect me. 

 So there I was, serving my 7 days self-quarantine at home suffering from dry cough, nasal congestion and other symptoms. The good thing was, I got to rest all day all night binge watching  my new favorite series and fell asleep between each episode. The time I wouldn’t really get if it weren’t for being tested positive. 

During that time, I got all the space I needed to think, to question everything that came to my mind. Since Covid isn’t really a hot topic anymore, before I got my turn, I didn’t think about the pandemic much. Not until now. All this time, it got me thinking about what I have achieved or learned after all this time.

I’ve taught myself to practice the belief that everything should always be seen from different angles. It’s always working for me to accept certain hard and complicated situations. Sometimes, this method can cheer me up on my worst days. The other time, it also helps me to see the bigger picture about anything that has been the center of my attention. 

And that is one of the main reasons why my answer about the last horror 2 and half  years would vary, it depends on what angle you want me to showcase the answer. But what I do like the most about it, is the pandemic gave me enough time to grow. And not everyone has the same privilege. But I chose to make it so for me. 

We survived more than 2 years of horrible time to live and breathe. It’s the pandemic. The one word I’ve never expected to be so familiar with. I don’t even know how to differentiate it from endemic back then. But these past 2 years—well I’m speaking for myself—we’ve been stuck, locked in one place while there’s this contagious disease spreading to every place on earth. But I’m not going to keep talking about it (I’ve written one about it here). I just want to share my story.

 

I believe I'm not the only one who chose to use the last couple of years for learning and keep growing. It’s like time has finally felt like it’s slowing down for us to catch up on some important goals we have in mind but never really had time to make it happen. It seems like time has stretched itself so thin that we finally experienced the feeling of having a weekend for so long. Remember that feeling from 2 years ago? 

Anyway, feeling lucky and blessed, I’m so grateful that I still get to work during that time, I still have a job. Some people don’t. But again, I chose to learn and grow. So besides working from home back the, I got to spent the extra time as the outcome from not having to commute everyday for doing lots of useful activities.

I can just binge watch lots of TV shows and movies and take the time to jot down some valuable and meaningful lines. I watched tons of videos about Japanese chef’s knife skills and learned how to cut onions perfectly. I keep writing and finishing one manuscript for another novel. I kept practicing and finally can proudly answer “Damn right I can” whenever people ask if I can swim. I read piles of books and learnt a lot about things I never really put enough attention to. 

A blessing in disguise is what it is for me to describe the past 2 years. I mean, outside of myself, a lot of new businesses were born out of this time. People are really using the last 2 years as a moment to change the phase, to slide the direction. And I take that fact, as another moment of growing.

So if people can have and make it, growing isn’t a thing you can’t afford. You just have to choose to.  Because this time, we can see and learnt that time, chances, and some other things are just rare enough to buy even if you have a shitload of money. No. Sometimes, money is just not enough. 

My Bedroom Door

My bedroom door is crooked

They've been fixing it for weeks

Installed and ripped off again

They thought it was the hinges

It wasn’t

They changed the door leaf

Still not working

They fixed the handle

It got worse

I studied Communication Science in college

But from my non-expert eyes on doors

I can tell that it’s the wall they should be replacing

Not the door

So my bedroom wall is crooked

Not the door!

Becoming A Woman

I was raised and come from a privileged family. Well educated parents, warm big family members, good financial situation so that I can have a good education, fulfill the needs of school equipment and books, and filtered entertainment on our old TV.

I believe I’m smart. Smart enough that I got to go to college without any trouble and graduated on time with good grades. I also believe that my background as a woman who grew in traditional Minangkabau culture has influenced the way I look at issues around the world.

I never really care about inflation, or the rising price of household needs, or the corrupt system in every level of any field in our country. I remember being pissed at college students who marched on Khatib Sulaiman street following the rising price of BBM, because back then I thought that that was an unnecessary thing to do.

I kept telling my friends just to have a life, study hard, and graduate sooner, instead of hanging around with some other students and discussing politics.

Come to think of how ignorant I was, I wish I could fly back in time and tell my younger self, “hello young lady, please read more stuff other than that romance novel, please watch around and wake up”.

But I wouldn’t blame her. She was young, naive, and she never really experienced bigger issues directly affecting her life. Because as I said, I came from a privileged background where my father would solve things for me. I am lucky.

Speaking of luck and privileges, I still think that I have the privilege to have time to learn with a lot of free resources around. I am so lucky to meet people who would discuss things with me, open my eyes, and introduce me to things I’ve never really understood.

Because of that, I’ve spent the past two years learning about things I should’ve been familiar with since I was young.

Who would’ve known that I am now familiar with Mona Eltahawy or Blaire Imani’s voices. that I’ve read Kalis Mardiasih’s books and that I’m proud to have Roxane Gay’s book standing in our book cabinet.

Who would’ve guessed that now I could cry everytime I hear the I Believe You song from FLETCHER, or that now I realize I have a flaming rage after I watched Bombshell and Promising Young Women.

Yep. In every chapter or every story of the suffering women in Mbak Kalis’s books, I cried. It’s like the fact that there are women who’s hurting mentally and physically has squeezed my eyes dry.

I believe it’s the same reason that pumps my heart faster full of anger watching Bombshell and the same reason causing me a long hour of crying in desperation after I watched Promising Young Women. 

On the other hand, that same reason is the very excuse for me not reading news about sexual assault or child exploitation in our country because I’m protecting my mental health and feelings. Because I’m feeling powerless.

 


But there was this one time when I could hold my breath with teary anger while listening to I Believe You song by FLETCHER. This powerful underrated song has brought back that reason to my mind. Crawling in my throat and pushing me to phrase that reason. The fuel of this anger. The cause of what I’m feeling. I believe the feeling is higher than solidarity. I couldn’t find the exact words to describe it. 

What I do know is, “I’m not free while any woman is unfree, even when her shackles are very different from my own,” just like this statement of Audrey Lorde. 

So here I am, trying to write my journey of becoming a woman who understands that we need to do something no matter in what field we are working on, despite every background we have.

And yes here I am realizing how far I’ve come to wanting to do more to add more power to us women. 

Because if I was an ignorant young girl who would negatively comment on people marching, then she is now a woman who would join, screaming and do anything she could in any women’s march. 

Spoilers and The Journey of Answering

Three out of ten of the people who enjoy watching movies or series or reading books can’t help themselves but looking for spoilers on the internet. I’m one of them. One of those three people.

When I was in highschool or college and reading good fiction was my biggest muse, I often read the last 10 pages or even the last chapter when I was only at the 10–15% beginning of my reading.

I don’t know, maybe I just couldn’t wait for the reading process to get me to that ending. Maybe, uncertainty is not my favorite thing or I just want to answer all the questions I have about my favorite characters quickly. 

Same situation occurs whenever I watch a good series and invested a little too much in those fictional lives that I felt the need to get to know more of the characters, or why they had scars, or where they would end in the story. So I started looking up for spoilers. It’s like an addiction. Really. But I’m sure not many of you would understand that.

To me, spoilers are the answer to all my curiosity and attention towards the fictional work I’ve been enjoying. Spoiler is the answer for that uncertainty. My best guess, it could be the reflection of how much I can’t stand not knowing and having unanswered questions in life, that get me addicted to spoilers this way.

Yes. The answers, because I believe that we have lots of answers to figure out in our life. 

So would it be okay if I tell you that ever since we inhale the air outside our mother’s womb we’ve been started looking for answers?

I believe when I cried my first tears back then, I already had lines of questions like; “where am I?”, “where is the sound of that other heart?”, “why is it so bright out here that I had to close my eyes”, “what’s that noisy sound?”, etc.

I also think that I cried because I couldn’t find the answer for that question and crying is the only ability I mastered to express my desperation of not finding the answer. But we know, babies can’t look up for spoilers, like how I typed “Did Lexie Grey die?” when I was only in season 4 on Grey’s Anatomy. 

So those babies are finally grown to kindergarten kids, then grow a little more to be teenagers, and that’s where I think most of the questions start to become unanswered one by one until those tiny babies turn into adults.

I kid you not, there are more and more questions coming once we hit a certain phase in life and all of that question remains unanswered. Well, most of them actually because some questions are easily solved.

But back to spoilers, do you ever think that it would be convenient to be able to google small spoilers about our life and make our tasks to answer questions, like “should I tell them this?” Or “what choices do I make?” a lot easier. Because I did. I thought about the spoilers of my life often.  And I assure you, it’s the feeling of not knowing the fact that I can’t deal with uncertainty that made me think that way.

 

Until on a one fine day where episode 5 of Game of Thrones season 8 aired back then. One of my closest friends sent me a few images that contain specific and detailed leaks about how the last 3 episodes would go. She warned me not to open the images and read them, though. But it was just so tempting that I felt like I had to read it because I was so obsessed and had to know the answer. My curiosity had to meet it’s closure. So I read that spoiler.

Now if someone asks what is it that I regret the most, my answer would be that exact 5 minutes I spent reading those spoilers because I promise you, the last 3 episodes of my favorite show have ruined.

I did enjoy it but the shock, the surprise, the amazed, the sadness and all the feeling I felt watching how Jon Snow stabbed his love was baked. The feeling I expected felt different. And that was horrible because when I watched the last 3 episodes it felt like I was only checking if the leak was right. I did get my answers about where Arya Stark would end up. But the joy I was hoping for was not there when I watched the finale.

So I quit using spoilers to cure my fear of uncertainty. I stop myself from looking up for spoilers everytime I’m watching a series because from that Game of Thrones moment, I learn that it’s not about the answers after all. It’s how we figured it out.

Maybe that’s why the new born babies cry because they’re willing to walk the process on how to tell their parents that they’re hungry so they would stop crying once the mother fed them.

Maybe that’s the reason why we start dating and have horrible break ups too many times because unconsciously we’re also willing to do the process of answering the question about who will be that ‘the one’ in our life.

Or maybe that’s why we keep on trying when things don’t work out the way we wanted to because deep down we have that hope and faith we’ll find the answer one day. 

When we feel like we can’t, just do it the classic way like how a newborn baby cries. Maybe we’re not exactly getting all of the answers to our trouble once we cry, but we’ll learn how to. 

 

Menggerutu; Sebuah Coret-Coret Persoalan Mutu

“If to be accepted in a certain community we have to push something that crosses our value, why do we have to try so hard to fit in? If to be seen we have to say something cruel and make one or two people feel less-appreciated, why do we have to talk at all? If we experienced a hard time because people treat us in the worst way possible, why do we even try to do the same? If we listen to something just to find a few mistakes or things that aren’t aligned with our view, why do we even waste our time and listen to podcasts?”

 

 

Ketika sedang menghabiskan banyak waktu untuk bersantai, mengutak-atik jurnal dengan fountain pen kesayangan atau sedang sibuk corat-coret canvas di Procreate, sejujurnya kepalaku sering memikirkan banyak hal secara acak. Mulai dari persoalan ini-itu yang sedang aku hadapi, carut-marut kondisi tanah air, kompleks dan rumitnya situasi dimana-mana, hingga hal-hal sesederhana seperti bagaimana cara bersih-bersih rumah tanpa harus berhadapan dengan sesi menyapu.

Di balik pikiran-pikiran acak tentang banyak hal ini, kadang aku memikirkan sesuatu terlalu jauh sampai akhirnya geram sendiri dengan banyak hal yang seharusnya tidak terjadi jika saja semua orang sudi untuk berpikir dengan cara yang lebih sederhana berlandaskan dasar wajib menjadi manusia; akal dan nurani.

Tanpa bermaksud menjadi makhluk yang merasa benar sendiri atau sehat sendiri, melalui percakapan-percakapanku dengan orang-orang yang ‘berpikir’ mengenai banyak isu dan pembahasan, aku menyimpulkan bahwa there is always a fine line between something to something else. Selalu ada batasan halus antara menjadi cerdas dengan menjadi sok tau, selalu ada perbedaan tipis antara merasa sayang dengan memiliki obsesi tidak sehat, selalu ada kemiripan identik antara menjadi pendengar yang baik dengan menjadi orang yang hanya ingin tahu, selalu ada sedikit celah antara menjadi peduli dengan sekedar merecoki sesuatu. Selalu ada perbedaan kecil antara menjadi kritis dengan menjadi tukang hujat yang kasar dan menyakiti. Sayangnya, kita kerap melewatkan perbedaan dengan batasan-batasan kecil ini.

Banyak orang yang merasa pintar dan up to date hanya dengan sibuk mengikuti trend dan melakukan ini itu yang dilakukan kebanyakan orang sementara tidak memiliki pengetahuan yang cukup mengenai hal tersebut. Banyak orang merasa kritis dan peduli hanya dengan sibuk mencaci-maki dan memprotes sesuatu yang tidak sesuai dengan cara pandang dan berpikirnya padahal tanpa disadari, bentuk respon yang dilakukan kerap membuat sakit banyak pihak lain. Banyak orang yang bertindak dan memutuskan sesuatu dengan kepentingan tertentu dan merasa telah melakukan sesuatu dengan begitu bijak padahal tanpa disadari ada banyak pihak yang dirugikan dan menjadi terbebani.

Sekali lagi, kita hanya perlu untuk berpikir dengan cara paling sederhana dan menggunakan apa yang sudah kita punya sejak pertama memiliki peran sebagai manusia yang bernafas; logika dan nurani.

Jika untuk menjadi diterima kelompok tertentu kita memaksakan sesuatu yang tidak sesuai dengan prinsip dan kata hati, mengapa harus trying too hard to fit in? Jika untuk menjadi terlihat kita harus mengatakan sesuatu yang seharusnya tidak diungkapkan karena hanya akan membuat satu atau dua orang merasa less-appreciated, mengapa harus bicara? Jika hidup kita terasa sulit karena diperlakukan buruk oleh seseorang, mengapa harus melakukan hal yang sama pada orang lain? Jika ketika mendengar sesuatu kita hanya akan menghujat seseorang karena pendapat dan pandangannya berseberangan dengan yang kita percaya, kenapa harus sok-sokan susah payah mendengar podcast atau membaca sesuatu?

Ingat, there is always a fine line between something to something else.

Sederhananya, mari bertanya pada diri sendiri dan selipkan pembahasan-pembahasan menjadi manusia yang lebih baik ini dengan orang-orang terdekat kita. Tanyakan, apakah kita ingin terus-terusan hidup dibayang-bayangi oleh gelisah karena ada banyak hal yang tidak terselesaikan? Apakah kita akan merasa baik-baik saja ketika apa yang kita katakan dan lakukan ternyata membuat seseorang jauh di luar sana merasa tidak berarti dan begitu terluka? Apakah kita akan sanggup memperlihatkan kehadiran kita jika dengan kehadiran itu, seseorang merasa terganggu dan terancam?

 

Bukankah hidup dan saling berinteraksi akan terasa jauh lebih menyenangkan jika kita hanya perlu mengurusi urusan sendiri dan merelakan apa yang memang tidak seharusnya ada untuk kita? Bukankah tidur akan terasa lebih menguatkan ketika apa yang kita lakukan dan katakan lebih membantu dan membuat orang tenang? Bukankah umur yang terus bertambah dan badan yang semakin tua itu akan terasa lebih berguna ketika waktu yang kita habiskan dipakai untuk menjadi manusia yang lebih baik dan bukan untuk mengurusi hal-hal yang tidak seharusnya kita recoki?

______________________________________

When I spend my day off to leisure at home, scratch my journal with my beloved fountain pen or drawing messy lines in Procreate, I often have my head processing a lot of random thoughts. Most of the time I think of my life and all the things I got to face, sometimes I hardly think about my home country, the other time I think about how complex, complicated, and messy the situation in every corner of the world are, and the other day I might think of the simplest silly questions like how to get the house clean without me having to mop the floor.

Behind all these random-energy-draining-thoughts, I used to think of it further that I started to feel sick and have a rage about everything I can not fix. I once had a headache when I thought of things that shouldn’t be happening if only all of these human beings were willing to think and act like how we humans should think and act with these two main elements of us; sense of logic and our conscience.

Without pretending to be a self-righteous being, through my priceless conversations with the people who ‘think’, I conclude that there is always a fine line between something to something else. There are always subtle boundaries between smart and to be the “Know It All”. There is a slight difference between loving and caring to being sickly obsessed with someone. There is identical similarity between being a good listener to being someone who is just curious. There is a small difference between being critical and being a humiliator and hurting people. And unfortunately, we often consciously cross these boundaries.

Lots of people think of themselves as smart and the up to date one just by diving and following the trends meanwhile they don’t really know what they are doing. Too many people feel that they are being critical and care about something when all they did was just humiliating or protest against something that is not aligned with what they believe. And often how they respond to it is intentionally hurting people. Some people in the higher position decide something without considering what their people really need and end up harming the crowd.

Again, to be a good human is to think in the simplest way possible using the tools we got from the beginning of our journey as human beings; sense of logic and our conscience.

If to be accepted in a certain community we have to push something that crosses our value, why do we have to try so hard to fit in? If to be seen we have to say something cruel and make one or two people feel less-appreciated, why do we have to talk at all? If we experienced a hard time because people treat us in the worst way possible, why do we even try to do the same? If we listen to something just to find a few mistakes or things that aren’t aligned with our view, why do we even waste our time and listen to podcasts?

Remember, there is always a fine line between something to something else.

Simply put, let’s ask ourselves and inject those conversations about how to be a better human being. Start questioning these questions; do we want to live in the shadow of a restless day and night because there are so many unsolved problems? Will we all going to feel just fine when all the things that we said or did is really hurting someone out there? Can we show up when our existence itself is making someone feel threatened?

Isn’t life and our interaction with each other would be far nicer if each one of us just minded our own business? Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we can easily let go of something or someone that doesn’t mean to be ours? Wouldn’t our sleep be the powerful recharge system when we know that what we did and said is helping people? Isn’t our life and these ages body felt useful because we used them all to be a better human without intervening people’s problems?