In a perfect world, the door she just slammed wouldn’t wake her brother from his sleep. The house would be hers, and she wouldn’t be having an upstairs neighbor that let their seven-year-old kid run around giving the ceiling those loud thumps at 11 p.m. on a Sunday night. But this wasn’t it. Not a perfect world, nor was it the one where she imagined a wise female empress ruling the system. This is the one where she had to walk home really paying attention to where she put her steps because she wouldn’t want to be stepping on a dog’s turd. Real story. This is the world where she only took short breaths, afraid of catching the familiar scent in the city, the pungent ammonia smell in every corner.
Jenna pulled her hands from the red face. It was obvious that anger had formed as a shade of magenta on her cheeks. “I’m sorry,” she let out a sigh along with the apology.
“What happened?” Heru dragged a chair on their IKEA dining set.
“I’m the one who should be asking the question,” she took a seat in front of her brother. Heru scratched his chin.
“I broke Tedi’s hand.”
“That part, I heard. Why?”
“He said you’re a bitch.”
Jenna scoffed. Laughed. And coughed. “Excuse me?”
“A bitch, Jenna. He said you’re a bitch?”
She grabbed a mug with I Heart Bali and sipped the coffee she left from the morning. “Well, I am. For many reasons,” Jenna let out another snort out of her mouth. The coffee she hadn’t fully swallowed spilled. “Oh, for God’s sake!”
“Come on. Be an adult for once,” Heru studied his sister’s face. “Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why didn’t you show her the mirror? You’re not following the deal.”
Jenna dipped her finger inside the cold coffee. She put the finger on her mouth and tutted.
“But what is Tedi’s problem with that?”
“Because you didn’t show the mirror to that human, Tedi’s sister has to work hard on fanning the other human. It was so hard for his sister to keep that human sane the whole time. And you, failing to open that other human’s eyes makes it harder for Tedi’s sister. Okay?”
She raised her chair and walked to the human-sized mirror in their entryway. Her eyes traced the outline of her own shape. Her horns grew taller these days. Jenna tossed a look at Heru.
“You know why I let my human be blind to her own image?” Heru shook his head. “Alyssa’s human was the mirror, you know? If the confession she made doesn’t make my human see it, then she’s just that kind. Alright?”
“What kind?”
Jenna walked back to the dining table. She scanned her brother’s back. The wing had already shown.
“The kind that makes other humans have a bad feeling just by the idea of having an immediate proximity with her. The kind that makes other humans cry on their way home. The kind that makes other humans pray so that their loved ones wouldn’t have to face the same situation she caused. The kind that humans are being taught so that they can prevent themselves from turning into that version. The kind that they just have to accept that they are, existing. Maybe so that others can learn. Or compare. Or, I don’t know, talk about it and feel better about themselves?”
“Yeah, what kind is that?”
She sat in front of her brother and nudged his chin. She stared deep into his eyes and let her raven-colored teeth peek from behind her lips.
“The kind that I call my achievement.”
Unveiled Reflections
She is a flower blooming in the dark,
Yet her essence still radiates.
She is a treasure in a box,
Locked away and guarded by a dragon.
She is a submarine,
Gliding through the water,
Silently surfacing for air only at night.
She is a spy in enemy territory,
Always on ward,
Never letting down her guard.
She is a character in a noir novel,
Building a secret garden,
Hidden away from the prying eyes of the world.
She is on a tiny island in the middle of a vast ocean,
All she can see are waves crashing on the shore,
But never the horizon.
She is a pearl inside an oyster's shell,
So alluring but ultimately unattainable.
She is a candle in the secluded greenhouse,
Her secret flickering in the shadows.
She is a glowing ember under a pile of ashes,
Her soul smolders just below the surface,
Waiting to burst into flame.
But she accept her fate like a hot coal
And it burned through her soul
As the realization dawned on her
Her shoulder relaxed
Like hot iron in the water
It’s her kiss to the forehead
Her warm blanket in the cold winter night
It’s her marking
A gift to oneself
As the tension that had been building
In her chest since forever melts away.
Journaling Journey: A Peek Inside My Journal Pages
All the journals I keep
One of my most cherished possessions are my journals. Oh how I love collecting all those leather bound vintage looking notebooks and relish writing on them more than typing on any good-looking keyboard. It's the feeling of the fountain pen nib gliding over the paper and the sound it makes that I love most. But, above all, it's the sense of contentment I get after completing my morning pages, writing poems in my fat vintage writing journal, or jotting down my monthly expenses and budgeting.
My fat vintage writing journals for poetry and writing ideas
People have been saying that journaling helps you declutter the mind and keep you organized. Well in my case, I’ve been journaling since I was so young when my handwriting was still hard to read even for myself. I’ve been in love with writing since I learned how to hold a pen and generate a word. And the more I grow, the more I know that it’s more than just venting or telling the diary how I was feeling that day. It was more than taking notes about lists of books I need to find in order to complete my tasks as college students. It was more than just trying to get my handwriting better and more readable.
Some notable articles are out there that tell you how journaling helps people to heal, stay sane, focused, organized, and all those benefits. But here, I am trying to give you a little peek into my journal. The page that I wrote at the very beginning of 2023 is the kind of page I have been doing every new year to help me navigate, look back at what I have gone through, and see what I have learned from the year to set some self-growth goals for the coming year. With the help of journaling prompts I found on Pinterest, here are the questions I answered on the new year pages I wrote at the very end of 2022 to welcome my 2023.
The annual reflection journal entry
Disclaimer: Below part is the real text from the original pages and me sharing this is me being vulnerable to everyone who would spend their time reading. It would be worth it if my annual reflection could help and inspire you. So yeah, I hope this one gives a lot of people the words they need to hear, I hope some of you can relate to this and feel heard, I hope it would be helpful to you as it has been really helpful to me.
What did 2022 teach me about myself?
This year has taught me that I am a strong one. Even better, I’m the strongest even though most of the time I forgot to praise myself and thank her for being so strong, standing tall and walking out just fine after everything that I’ve gone through.
But I learn that as strong as I thought I’am, I still need compassion that I keep giving to others for myself. I learned that I can get mad, I can cry ugly, I can break down, and feel like doing nothing and that’s okay. It’s okay to feel all the emotions, acknowledging my own feelings, going through phases and all. Because instead of ruining me, all of that makes me grow. Even stronger.
2022 taught me that I need to always remember that we can only plan, work on it and hope that everything will work out just fine. Everything else is out of our control. Accepting that truth is a huge act of self-love for me. 2022 also taught me that all I need to do after doing my part in life is give in. I’m still working on that. But I learned that the twist of everything often brings me to other scenarios I came to love even more than the first plan. So 2022 taught me to say this more to myself: “Suci, just don’t worry too much!”
Who showed up for me and how I can nurture those relationships?
It’s myself first and foremost. Before my better half, before my family and anyone else. It’s me who deeply cares for me. But most of the time, I always ignore her voice and needs. To nurture this relationship I need to make the give and take system with myself better. I need to listen to her voice first before asking for other’s. I need to fulfill and satisfy her needs first before I give it to others. Then, with this getting better, I can show up better for my better half and my family who always showed up for me.
What do I need to accept about myself and other people in my life?
I need to accept that whenever I think about this or that, or when people say this or that, sometimes it’s just showing the fact that not everyone has what it takes to be something, to say something or to do something. I need to accept that there are differences, backgrounds, side stories about everything in everyone. With that fact in mind, I need to accept the fact that what I think is right is not always right. For that case, I need to be less judgy because who am I to judge?
And I also need to breathe, to take a break, to pause, to reflect before I keep going. I can’t handle everything all at once and still be okay. I need to accept that what I want is not always for the best and I need to re-adjust.
How did I cope with uncomfortable feelings?
I’m used to writing, journaling and crying when dealing with my feelings. But I learn that talking about it to the person I can be vulnerable with and I trust the most is adding more power to charge my soul. I also learned that writing the unsent letters helps a lot. Going to therapy has been playing a huge part for me to get better at feeling the feelings. And of course, I learn to be more accepting so the energy I used to spend on worrying can be utilized on feeling the feelings.
How can I better manage my reaction to my feelings?
I can learn to prioritize the time to really listen to myself inside before I can start thinking and process my feelings. If I feel like I need to cry, I’m just gonna cry it out. If I feel like I need to be angry, I’m going to write nasty and raging writings to be fully mad. I can learn to stop holding the feelings and react to the feelings in alignment with how I see fit, with what she needs.
In what ways will I take better care of myself in 2023?
I’m going to lessen the blaming session of myself every time things go south. I’m going to think of myself as the person I love the most in this life. I’m going to quit feeling guilty every time I fail to achieve or do things. I’m going to start getting used to smoking less, and I’m going to teach my brain that I don’t need to punch the wall everytime I get so angry. I’m going to trim my hair every 3 months to get it healthier and allocate more of my earnings to have a spa day, or getting a massage, or traveling with my loved ones. I’m going to learn new skills to upgrade my level on this game called surviving life. And because getting a fat paycheck makes me happy, I’m going to get a better job with a bigger paycheck. But what’s more important is that I need to be more mindful, to be present, and enjoy my time, my days. In that way, I can be happier, fulfilled, and content with everything I have and the people I love.
What has been a barrier to me completing my goals and how will I remove the barrier in 2023?
There are these different boxes of goals and expectations in life that I need to be aware of. If the goals involve external factors that I can’t control in order to make it happen, I need to make a good and detailed plan. Step by step. And for that, the expectation has been a huge problem for me because then I would be focusing on the outcome instead of the process and get distracted on the way through and then I would be less powerful to make it work. So, to make things easier for me, I need to be more realistic, focus on the day to day goals to build the huge long term dreams. I also need to know which one is more important than the other and the first indicator for that sorting process is classifying it with what would benefit my surviving life more, what would make me happier, and what will get me more time to be with the people I love.
What limiting beliefs do I need to release?
I need to get rid of the mindset that I have to meet certain criteria to be accepted, to be loved, to be worthy of anything when it comes to my family. Because they’re my family, they should and supposed to love me unconditionally. They do. I mean they will always love me for who I am. With this card in hands, I can start living my life truthfully and can use the energy I used to waste worrying about their opinion and reaction for something useful.
I also need to stop thinking that every bad thing that happened in my life happened because I’m not good enough. That mindset stops me from doing anything fully invested because then I would think that whatever I do, it’ll never be enough.
What do I need to practice doing more and less of?
I need to pay more attention to what’s inside my body to see if the machine, or my battery or anything in there needs fixing and how that affects my external reaction, behavior and attitude. I need to practice healthy eating more. I need to take care of my physical self more. I need to keep exercising every morning. I need to practice “don’t put it, put it away” more. I need to fight hard not to skip any of the 5 prayers no matter what. I need to keep on doing the routines I’ve been doing that have been giving benefits to every aspect of my life. I need to lessen my smoking habit and eventually quit. I need to quit procrastinating. I’m just going to practice everything that would help me take care of my 30 year old physical body and any good ritual to shape my spiritual and mental self.
What one boundary do I need to implement to improve my peace in 2023?
I need to have a clearer understanding on which one is my exam paper to finish, and which one isn’t. Because I’ve been drying myself out all this time, I keep trying to solve other’s cases when it’s so way out of my paygrade, beyond my limits, and it exhausts me. My legendary aunt says: when the weight feels too heavy, it’s probably not ours to carry. In simpler words, I need to make clear boxes to put which case is mine to solve, and which one is only for me to observe.
Can You Really Claim What’s Yours as Yours?
What makes something is yours, and truly yours, and no one could claim it as theirs? A certificate? A huge announcement? Some big achievement that makes one is known for the thing they created? Really, what makes something is yours and truly yours?
When we created an art, a piece of work, something in a solid visible form, we can absolutely tell it was ours. As long as we’re the first to do it so well and make others witness the birth of this creation. And anyone after that could be named a “copy cat”.
But who would have been so sure that no one ever made something just identical with ours? Unless we can keep track of every single thing in the world and have all the list of all the thing people has created.
And that’s the thing about intellectual property. Unless it is registered and certified as ours, we can’t really claim that something is ours.
Let alone the fact that inspiration for creating such art or piece of writing came from anything, everything at any possible time. Who can tell that none of this can’t really exactly be quite similar to each other?
And all of this, is how I cope with the rage I have, since I read the book I bought back in Jakarta on my last vacation. The book that’s written by a famous name, with loyal readers, who would kill me if they could when they know I accuse their favorite writer as a copycat.
No, of course I’m not accusing someone as a copycat. It’s just sometimes, my gut feeling is the one thing I should listen to when it keeps on whispering to my brain that the book I recently read is a copy of my work.
Oh believe me when I say that I tried so hard not to think this way about someone’s hard work. But when I found specific metaphors and sentences in one of the chapter, or the exact premise, or how every chapter started, also believe me when I say I could cry out of unleashed rage.
Yes, it was so naive and bold of me to think that a popular name with such fame could copy my work. But if my work was published 3 years ago with the original script was written 6-7 years ago and this very book that cause me some insecurities just released a couple months ago, no one could tell me that there is zero chance that this writer never read my book and got inspired to at least, try to use my trick on playing the words to deliver their story.
Oh I know my work is way better. I just got unlucky because in this world, especially in my home country, people only care about name and fame. When you have such an amazing piece of art and you’re no one, no one would really care about your work. Unless you’re some famous name with mountains of money to support your art, then people would notice you.
And that’s the thing that cuts me open wider as I swim deeper to the fact that when someone without the name did something, no one really appreciated their work, but when someone with popular existences did it, they said it was such an amazing work.
If that’s the case, what’s the point of rights being registered and certificated? What’s the point of ones claiming their own work as theirs?
Oh wait, there is a point.
It differentiates us. You name the differences!
My Bedroom Door
My bedroom door is crooked
They've been fixing it for weeks
Installed and ripped off again
They thought it was the hinges
It wasn’t
They changed the door leaf
Still not working
They fixed the handle
It got worse
I studied Communication Science in college
But from my non-expert eyes on doors
I can tell that it’s the wall they should be replacing
Not the door
So my bedroom wall is crooked
Not the door!
Spoilers and The Journey of Answering
Three out of ten of the people who enjoy watching movies or series or reading books can’t help themselves but looking for spoilers on the internet. I’m one of them. One of those three people.
When I was in highschool or college and reading good fiction was my biggest muse, I often read the last 10 pages or even the last chapter when I was only at the 10–15% beginning of my reading.
I don’t know, maybe I just couldn’t wait for the reading process to get me to that ending. Maybe, uncertainty is not my favorite thing or I just want to answer all the questions I have about my favorite characters quickly.
Same situation occurs whenever I watch a good series and invested a little too much in those fictional lives that I felt the need to get to know more of the characters, or why they had scars, or where they would end in the story. So I started looking up for spoilers. It’s like an addiction. Really. But I’m sure not many of you would understand that.
To me, spoilers are the answer to all my curiosity and attention towards the fictional work I’ve been enjoying. Spoiler is the answer for that uncertainty. My best guess, it could be the reflection of how much I can’t stand not knowing and having unanswered questions in life, that get me addicted to spoilers this way.
Yes. The answers, because I believe that we have lots of answers to figure out in our life.
So would it be okay if I tell you that ever since we inhale the air outside our mother’s womb we’ve been started looking for answers?
I believe when I cried my first tears back then, I already had lines of questions like; “where am I?”, “where is the sound of that other heart?”, “why is it so bright out here that I had to close my eyes”, “what’s that noisy sound?”, etc.
I also think that I cried because I couldn’t find the answer for that question and crying is the only ability I mastered to express my desperation of not finding the answer. But we know, babies can’t look up for spoilers, like how I typed “Did Lexie Grey die?” when I was only in season 4 on Grey’s Anatomy.
So those babies are finally grown to kindergarten kids, then grow a little more to be teenagers, and that’s where I think most of the questions start to become unanswered one by one until those tiny babies turn into adults.
I kid you not, there are more and more questions coming once we hit a certain phase in life and all of that question remains unanswered. Well, most of them actually because some questions are easily solved.
But back to spoilers, do you ever think that it would be convenient to be able to google small spoilers about our life and make our tasks to answer questions, like “should I tell them this?” Or “what choices do I make?” a lot easier. Because I did. I thought about the spoilers of my life often. And I assure you, it’s the feeling of not knowing the fact that I can’t deal with uncertainty that made me think that way.
Until on a one fine day where episode 5 of Game of Thrones season 8 aired back then. One of my closest friends sent me a few images that contain specific and detailed leaks about how the last 3 episodes would go. She warned me not to open the images and read them, though. But it was just so tempting that I felt like I had to read it because I was so obsessed and had to know the answer. My curiosity had to meet it’s closure. So I read that spoiler.
Now if someone asks what is it that I regret the most, my answer would be that exact 5 minutes I spent reading those spoilers because I promise you, the last 3 episodes of my favorite show have ruined.
I did enjoy it but the shock, the surprise, the amazed, the sadness and all the feeling I felt watching how Jon Snow stabbed his love was baked. The feeling I expected felt different. And that was horrible because when I watched the last 3 episodes it felt like I was only checking if the leak was right. I did get my answers about where Arya Stark would end up. But the joy I was hoping for was not there when I watched the finale.
So I quit using spoilers to cure my fear of uncertainty. I stop myself from looking up for spoilers everytime I’m watching a series because from that Game of Thrones moment, I learn that it’s not about the answers after all. It’s how we figured it out.
Maybe that’s why the new born babies cry because they’re willing to walk the process on how to tell their parents that they’re hungry so they would stop crying once the mother fed them.
Maybe that’s the reason why we start dating and have horrible break ups too many times because unconsciously we’re also willing to do the process of answering the question about who will be that ‘the one’ in our life.
Or maybe that’s why we keep on trying when things don’t work out the way we wanted to because deep down we have that hope and faith we’ll find the answer one day.
When we feel like we can’t, just do it the classic way like how a newborn baby cries. Maybe we’re not exactly getting all of the answers to our trouble once we cry, but we’ll learn how to.
