Tragedy. When we heard this word, the first image that came to mind probably was a scene of a shipwreck in the middle of a vast ocean swallowing a hundred souls alive. Or just a vivid memory of a massive crack on the town’s road after a deadly earthquake. Some might envision a friend’s grave after a car accident. The list could go on and on to describe what a tragedy could mean to some of us.
The meaning of tragedy is subjective and can vary greatly depending on individual experiences, cultural backgrounds, and philosophical beliefs.
Some of us. Well the rest could probably think of something abstract when we hear the word tragedy. One could think of what a tragedy it was that her dad was born in a poor family that he couldn’t get enough education to take him to be a teacher and ended up being a cop instead, because that was what he could afford at that time while everyone knows that being a teacher seems like his truest calling. Another could have thought about the joyful sound of family laughter at the dinner table when they hear that word but instead are face to face with the senseless empty room full of cold air and stillness because that’s what distance does. Probably when a dog was taught about the word tragedy and heard it for the second time, it probably would imagine chasing a moving tail in the corner of the couch that turned out to be its own. Or for instance, we could think about how messed up it is when the roles of power in some organization, a country even, is filled with people who—if not capable—are just not suitable for the responsibility, the impact could be catastrophic and can cause widespread suffering. And by suffer I mean stress inducing, rage boiling, traumatizing kind of suffering. Tragedy for some is when you did all the work but it’s your bosses taking all the credit with all that annual bonus. What a tragic tragedy.
So if what we are imagining and thinking of when hearing it are variously different, what is the true meaning of a tragedy then?
Is it when something is supposed to happen but it doesn’t? Is it when what you want is not what you get? Is it when something broke you to the very core of your being that even the beauty of a bedazzled skyscraper couldn’t entertain you anymore? Or is it when you have something so unimaginably dreamy you wish to share it to the whole world but couldn’t because then it would ruin it? Is it something that you know is so true and to share it can change how the system works but then the external factors get in the way that you might never get the chance to tell the tale?
Oh, to find the definition of tragedy is easy these days. In ancient Greece, tragedy was a ritual performance of the downfall of a great man—usually a king or nobleman— brought low because of some sort of fault. In Psychology, tragedy is defined as an event or sequence of events that can occur singly or collectively resulting in pain and suffering that impact us on so many levels (emotional, social, physical, coping, creative and spiritual). In the writing world, tragedy is defined as a genre that focuses around a noble character who struggles against strong external challenges.
But, oh, how I forget what I really want to tell you about tragedy in the first place as I start writing about all the things swirling in my brain when I start typing the word and got distracted that I write about all sorts of things before I get to this part where I suppose to tell you what I really want say.
Well, to really define tragedy and understand its meaning is to have multiple layers of understanding and acceptance. Some would say one can only understand tragedy from experience. But I wouldn’t wish any of such to occur in anyone’s life. It’s just when I happen to have some experience with tragedy I just know now that it helped me to be the I am today. In my case and I believe a lot of us out here believe the same; that tragedy is this coarse sandpaper that shapes our edges, tuning it into the fine angle for the perfect curve, the straight line, the pretty outline and perfect footing.
Oh, I really can’t seem to remember what I want to say in the first place talking all about tragedy and humbly brag that I’ve earned my wisdom to accept the fact that life is a mix of bliss and tragedy, a perfect combination of ups and down, an artistic scramble of good and bad, a collaboration of strength and weakness. But I do remember one part of it. I remember to put this sentence at the end of this short piece; when you look at it from one side, sure things can seem ugly sometimes, but have you tried another angle? You’re welcome!
It’s Alright, San
San,
It's alright.
I am alright.
I have a perfect life.
The love of my life,
Well, they have everything
I never knew I needed.
So San,
It's alright.
I don't mind not having a new you.
I got them by my side,
And you're there sending signs
That you watch,
That you worry,
That you care,
And still cheering
For my good times.
San, it is alright.
We talked on Facebook, your Mom and I,
We got it.
It's alright,
San.
Journaling Journey: A Peek Inside My Journal Pages
All the journals I keep
One of my most cherished possessions are my journals. Oh how I love collecting all those leather bound vintage looking notebooks and relish writing on them more than typing on any good-looking keyboard. It's the feeling of the fountain pen nib gliding over the paper and the sound it makes that I love most. But, above all, it's the sense of contentment I get after completing my morning pages, writing poems in my fat vintage writing journal, or jotting down my monthly expenses and budgeting.
My fat vintage writing journals for poetry and writing ideas
People have been saying that journaling helps you declutter the mind and keep you organized. Well in my case, I’ve been journaling since I was so young when my handwriting was still hard to read even for myself. I’ve been in love with writing since I learned how to hold a pen and generate a word. And the more I grow, the more I know that it’s more than just venting or telling the diary how I was feeling that day. It was more than taking notes about lists of books I need to find in order to complete my tasks as college students. It was more than just trying to get my handwriting better and more readable.
Some notable articles are out there that tell you how journaling helps people to heal, stay sane, focused, organized, and all those benefits. But here, I am trying to give you a little peek into my journal. The page that I wrote at the very beginning of 2023 is the kind of page I have been doing every new year to help me navigate, look back at what I have gone through, and see what I have learned from the year to set some self-growth goals for the coming year. With the help of journaling prompts I found on Pinterest, here are the questions I answered on the new year pages I wrote at the very end of 2022 to welcome my 2023.
The annual reflection journal entry
Disclaimer: Below part is the real text from the original pages and me sharing this is me being vulnerable to everyone who would spend their time reading. It would be worth it if my annual reflection could help and inspire you. So yeah, I hope this one gives a lot of people the words they need to hear, I hope some of you can relate to this and feel heard, I hope it would be helpful to you as it has been really helpful to me.
What did 2022 teach me about myself?
This year has taught me that I am a strong one. Even better, I’m the strongest even though most of the time I forgot to praise myself and thank her for being so strong, standing tall and walking out just fine after everything that I’ve gone through.
But I learn that as strong as I thought I’am, I still need compassion that I keep giving to others for myself. I learned that I can get mad, I can cry ugly, I can break down, and feel like doing nothing and that’s okay. It’s okay to feel all the emotions, acknowledging my own feelings, going through phases and all. Because instead of ruining me, all of that makes me grow. Even stronger.
2022 taught me that I need to always remember that we can only plan, work on it and hope that everything will work out just fine. Everything else is out of our control. Accepting that truth is a huge act of self-love for me. 2022 also taught me that all I need to do after doing my part in life is give in. I’m still working on that. But I learned that the twist of everything often brings me to other scenarios I came to love even more than the first plan. So 2022 taught me to say this more to myself: “Suci, just don’t worry too much!”
Who showed up for me and how I can nurture those relationships?
It’s myself first and foremost. Before my better half, before my family and anyone else. It’s me who deeply cares for me. But most of the time, I always ignore her voice and needs. To nurture this relationship I need to make the give and take system with myself better. I need to listen to her voice first before asking for other’s. I need to fulfill and satisfy her needs first before I give it to others. Then, with this getting better, I can show up better for my better half and my family who always showed up for me.
What do I need to accept about myself and other people in my life?
I need to accept that whenever I think about this or that, or when people say this or that, sometimes it’s just showing the fact that not everyone has what it takes to be something, to say something or to do something. I need to accept that there are differences, backgrounds, side stories about everything in everyone. With that fact in mind, I need to accept the fact that what I think is right is not always right. For that case, I need to be less judgy because who am I to judge?
And I also need to breathe, to take a break, to pause, to reflect before I keep going. I can’t handle everything all at once and still be okay. I need to accept that what I want is not always for the best and I need to re-adjust.
How did I cope with uncomfortable feelings?
I’m used to writing, journaling and crying when dealing with my feelings. But I learn that talking about it to the person I can be vulnerable with and I trust the most is adding more power to charge my soul. I also learned that writing the unsent letters helps a lot. Going to therapy has been playing a huge part for me to get better at feeling the feelings. And of course, I learn to be more accepting so the energy I used to spend on worrying can be utilized on feeling the feelings.
How can I better manage my reaction to my feelings?
I can learn to prioritize the time to really listen to myself inside before I can start thinking and process my feelings. If I feel like I need to cry, I’m just gonna cry it out. If I feel like I need to be angry, I’m going to write nasty and raging writings to be fully mad. I can learn to stop holding the feelings and react to the feelings in alignment with how I see fit, with what she needs.
In what ways will I take better care of myself in 2023?
I’m going to lessen the blaming session of myself every time things go south. I’m going to think of myself as the person I love the most in this life. I’m going to quit feeling guilty every time I fail to achieve or do things. I’m going to start getting used to smoking less, and I’m going to teach my brain that I don’t need to punch the wall everytime I get so angry. I’m going to trim my hair every 3 months to get it healthier and allocate more of my earnings to have a spa day, or getting a massage, or traveling with my loved ones. I’m going to learn new skills to upgrade my level on this game called surviving life. And because getting a fat paycheck makes me happy, I’m going to get a better job with a bigger paycheck. But what’s more important is that I need to be more mindful, to be present, and enjoy my time, my days. In that way, I can be happier, fulfilled, and content with everything I have and the people I love.
What has been a barrier to me completing my goals and how will I remove the barrier in 2023?
There are these different boxes of goals and expectations in life that I need to be aware of. If the goals involve external factors that I can’t control in order to make it happen, I need to make a good and detailed plan. Step by step. And for that, the expectation has been a huge problem for me because then I would be focusing on the outcome instead of the process and get distracted on the way through and then I would be less powerful to make it work. So, to make things easier for me, I need to be more realistic, focus on the day to day goals to build the huge long term dreams. I also need to know which one is more important than the other and the first indicator for that sorting process is classifying it with what would benefit my surviving life more, what would make me happier, and what will get me more time to be with the people I love.
What limiting beliefs do I need to release?
I need to get rid of the mindset that I have to meet certain criteria to be accepted, to be loved, to be worthy of anything when it comes to my family. Because they’re my family, they should and supposed to love me unconditionally. They do. I mean they will always love me for who I am. With this card in hands, I can start living my life truthfully and can use the energy I used to waste worrying about their opinion and reaction for something useful.
I also need to stop thinking that every bad thing that happened in my life happened because I’m not good enough. That mindset stops me from doing anything fully invested because then I would think that whatever I do, it’ll never be enough.
What do I need to practice doing more and less of?
I need to pay more attention to what’s inside my body to see if the machine, or my battery or anything in there needs fixing and how that affects my external reaction, behavior and attitude. I need to practice healthy eating more. I need to take care of my physical self more. I need to keep exercising every morning. I need to practice “don’t put it, put it away” more. I need to fight hard not to skip any of the 5 prayers no matter what. I need to keep on doing the routines I’ve been doing that have been giving benefits to every aspect of my life. I need to lessen my smoking habit and eventually quit. I need to quit procrastinating. I’m just going to practice everything that would help me take care of my 30 year old physical body and any good ritual to shape my spiritual and mental self.
What one boundary do I need to implement to improve my peace in 2023?
I need to have a clearer understanding on which one is my exam paper to finish, and which one isn’t. Because I’ve been drying myself out all this time, I keep trying to solve other’s cases when it’s so way out of my paygrade, beyond my limits, and it exhausts me. My legendary aunt says: when the weight feels too heavy, it’s probably not ours to carry. In simpler words, I need to make clear boxes to put which case is mine to solve, and which one is only for me to observe.
Baking Poetry
You love cooking
As much as I love writing
Baking is your poetry
Your Whisk dance like a pen
Your tasting palate
Is where you keep the metaphor
It’s your journal
I would say
I only know the oven
As your one true friend
She never betrayed your expectation
The kitchen is your library
The ocean of imaginations
It warps time for you
As magical as writing table
Does to mine
I published my work
You sell yours
I did it all for happiness
But I don’t know about you
Is standing all day for one cake
Are the things that heal you?
Or is it because you have to?
Either way
You and all that
Is a poetic dedication after all
And that’s just one
Out of gazillion reasons
For how huge the measure
Of how much
I adore you, Ma!
(November, 10th 2022)
Can You Call This A Guide? That Depends
Whenever people would ask if I like the smell of the ocean or the aroma of the ground after hours of heavy rain, my answer would be “That depends”. I can like the smell of the ocean if the place where I’m standing is not close enough to where the fishers put their fishing tools or catch, because I just can’t stand the smell of saltwater fish. And I can like the aroma of the ground after hours of heavy rain if I were at some place where there’s grass and lots of tall trees.
It all works the same when people ask if I like being locked down for the past 2 years without being able to travel. Hell, even for work, we’re told to work from home. Do I like how it went the past 2 years? That depends!
So unfortunately after all this time, I got my turn to experience being Covid positive. I thought it was just normal fever or some kind of dengue fever symptoms. It wasn’t such a huge shock to me to be honest because lots of my colleagues were infected. Lots of people in my apartment building were also infected. It was only a matter of time until my “new normal” hygiene practice was no longer powerful enough to protect me.
So there I was, serving my 7 days self-quarantine at home suffering from dry cough, nasal congestion and other symptoms. The good thing was, I got to rest all day all night binge watching my new favorite series and fell asleep between each episode. The time I wouldn’t really get if it weren’t for being tested positive.
During that time, I got all the space I needed to think, to question everything that came to my mind. Since Covid isn’t really a hot topic anymore, before I got my turn, I didn’t think about the pandemic much. Not until now. All this time, it got me thinking about what I have achieved or learned after all this time.
I’ve taught myself to practice the belief that everything should always be seen from different angles. It’s always working for me to accept certain hard and complicated situations. Sometimes, this method can cheer me up on my worst days. The other time, it also helps me to see the bigger picture about anything that has been the center of my attention.
And that is one of the main reasons why my answer about the last horror 2 and half years would vary, it depends on what angle you want me to showcase the answer. But what I do like the most about it, is the pandemic gave me enough time to grow. And not everyone has the same privilege. But I chose to make it so for me.
We survived more than 2 years of horrible time to live and breathe. It’s the pandemic. The one word I’ve never expected to be so familiar with. I don’t even know how to differentiate it from endemic back then. But these past 2 years—well I’m speaking for myself—we’ve been stuck, locked in one place while there’s this contagious disease spreading to every place on earth. But I’m not going to keep talking about it (I’ve written one about it here). I just want to share my story.
I believe I'm not the only one who chose to use the last couple of years for learning and keep growing. It’s like time has finally felt like it’s slowing down for us to catch up on some important goals we have in mind but never really had time to make it happen. It seems like time has stretched itself so thin that we finally experienced the feeling of having a weekend for so long. Remember that feeling from 2 years ago?
Anyway, feeling lucky and blessed, I’m so grateful that I still get to work during that time, I still have a job. Some people don’t. But again, I chose to learn and grow. So besides working from home back the, I got to spent the extra time as the outcome from not having to commute everyday for doing lots of useful activities.
I can just binge watch lots of TV shows and movies and take the time to jot down some valuable and meaningful lines. I watched tons of videos about Japanese chef’s knife skills and learned how to cut onions perfectly. I keep writing and finishing one manuscript for another novel. I kept practicing and finally can proudly answer “Damn right I can” whenever people ask if I can swim. I read piles of books and learnt a lot about things I never really put enough attention to.
A blessing in disguise is what it is for me to describe the past 2 years. I mean, outside of myself, a lot of new businesses were born out of this time. People are really using the last 2 years as a moment to change the phase, to slide the direction. And I take that fact, as another moment of growing.
So if people can have and make it, growing isn’t a thing you can’t afford. You just have to choose to. Because this time, we can see and learnt that time, chances, and some other things are just rare enough to buy even if you have a shitload of money. No. Sometimes, money is just not enough.
Tingkah Lucu Manusia
Kadang murung, kadang riang
Kadang senang, kasang gusar
Tak tertebak, bagai aksi panggung pesulap terkenal
Mudah muncul, mudah hilang
Dikasih ringan, ingin yang lebih berat
Dikasih berat, malah mengeluh dan menghujat
Dikasih mudah, bilangnya kurang menantang
Dikasih tantangan, malah memaki semesta dianggap tak berpihak
Lucu memang tingkah manusia
Tak bisa bersyukur secara konstan
Senangnya di awal, lalu basi termakan waktu
Layaknya sirop yang manisnya ditenggelamkan cairan es batu
“Rasanya pengen jadi pohon saja”, teriak remaja berumur 30 tahun di ibu kota
Di saat cicilan dan tagihan mulai menerjang rekening di akhir bulan
Serasa gaji dan bonus lenyap begitu saja
Tapi memang benar, menajdi pohon sepertinya lebih menyenangkan
Hanya berdiri dan tak perlu memikirkan perjodohan
Lucu memang tingkah manusia,
Semoga pohon tak pernah berharap menjadi salah satunya
