San,
It's alright.
I am alright.
I have a perfect life.
The love of my life,
Well, they have everything
I never knew I needed.
So San,
It's alright.
I don't mind not having a new you.
I got them by my side,
And you're there sending signs
That you watch,
That you worry,
That you care,
And still cheering
For my good times.
San, it is alright.
We talked on Facebook, your Mom and I,
We got it.
It's alright,
San.
I almost believe that the last time I wrote something and actually put it here was last year. It was, almost a year since I last wrote about something that I read. And a lot has happened for the whole months after that that I forgot that writing is something that I truly need to cope with everything. I mean I put out a “not-so-small” amount of money to pay for this domain, and letting it gather virtual dust feels like a betrayal.
So I guess this post is some kind of emotional check-ins with my loyal audience. Or a really special fan service for you (you know who you are) who keep telling me that they miss reading my words (Oh how I love you).
Alright, first thing first, I have to admit that making myself sit and just write for an hour and really try to put it out is kind of harder lately with all the terrifying things happening around the world, my shift hours, chores, LIFE and its relentless demands, and everything in between. But here we are today, you have me finally able to tame my inner procrastinator and put her to sit and play around with the keyboard.
The Big Loss
Earlier this year I lost my grandmother. It’s the GRANDMOTHER, the one that I keep writing about and bragging about. The one grandmother that I got the chance to show my writings about her, the one that I get to show my symbolic token of love for, and the grandmother I get to meet for the last time a few weeks before her passing. Oh the feeling of urgency I felt that time to visit my hometown is unexplainable and knowing what it truly means after she’s gone, it still gives a little stitches to my broken heart and a gaping wound in my soul.
And thinking about her and the whole memories of my grandmother with all her beautiful traits, it will always take small pieces of me away even though it feels like she’s still here with us and realizing she’s not, it kills me. Every damn time. And it’s not a surprise that writing about that heals me. I kept writing about her almost every day for the whole month in my journal. Until I don’t shed the painful tears anymore whenever I talk about her, or when I think about my graduation gown and her hand smoothing the wrinkles with a silent “I’m proud of you”. Even though it is still painful and feels like the skin of my heart is being ripped off whenever I think about my grandmother and my hometown and knowing that she’s not there anymore.
Is One Day Better Than The Other?
Now if you’re asking how I am feeling, the answer would be better than yesterday. The only answer I can come up with, and the only answer I can feel the most honest with. And also, with this answer, I’m solidifying my “easier days coming” hope. I don’t know about you but hanging on to one thin thread “one day at a time” mantra is not really working for me, I need to add one more thing in there, for it to get better everyday. Hence, better than yesterday is IT for me.
Oh, life and death and the vast spectrum in between. Farewells, warm embraces, the silent sting of loss, the euphoria of love, the exhilarating pursuit of passion, the soul-crushing weight of obligation, forgotten desires and fading dreams, the joy of fulfilled ambitions and nurtured talents, the black and white, the ups and downs, it's all a swirling vortex within us. How much can we truly handle? Is "one day at a time" a coping mechanism or a way to simply numb ourselves to survive? How much strength do we need to face it all without breaking?
For me? All I need is a moment to breathe and an hour or two to write it all out.
One of my most cherished possessions are my journals. Oh how I love collecting all those leather bound vintage looking notebooks and relish writing on them more than typing on any good-looking keyboard. It's the feeling of the fountain pen nib gliding over the paper and the sound it makes that I love most. But, above all, it's the sense of contentment I get after completing my morning pages, writing poems in my fat vintage writing journal, or jotting down my monthly expenses and budgeting.
People have been saying that journaling helps you declutter the mind and keep you organized. Well in my case, I’ve been journaling since I was so young when my handwriting was still hard to read even for myself. I’ve been in love with writing since I learned how to hold a pen and generate a word. And the more I grow, the more I know that it’s more than just venting or telling the diary how I was feeling that day. It was more than taking notes about lists of books I need to find in order to complete my tasks as college students. It was more than just trying to get my handwriting better and more readable.
Some notable articles are out there that tell you how journaling helps people to heal, stay sane, focused, organized, and all those benefits. But here, I am trying to give you a little peek into my journal. The page that I wrote at the very beginning of 2023 is the kind of page I have been doing every new year to help me navigate, look back at what I have gone through, and see what I have learned from the year to set some self-growth goals for the coming year. With the help of journaling prompts I found on Pinterest, here are the questions I answered on the new year pages I wrote at the very end of 2022 to welcome my 2023.
Disclaimer: Below part is the real text from the original pages and me sharing this is me being vulnerable to everyone who would spend their time reading. It would be worth it if my annual reflection could help and inspire you. So yeah, I hope this one gives a lot of people the words they need to hear, I hope some of you can relate to this and feel heard, I hope it would be helpful to you as it has been really helpful to me.
What did 2022 teach me about myself?
This year has taught me that I am a strong one. Even better, I’m the strongest even though most of the time I forgot to praise myself and thank her for being so strong, standing tall and walking out just fine after everything that I’ve gone through.
But I learn that as strong as I thought I’am, I still need compassion that I keep giving to others for myself. I learned that I can get mad, I can cry ugly, I can break down, and feel like doing nothing and that’s okay. It’s okay to feel all the emotions, acknowledging my own feelings, going through phases and all. Because instead of ruining me, all of that makes me grow. Even stronger.
2022 taught me that I need to always remember that we can only plan, work on it and hope that everything will work out just fine. Everything else is out of our control. Accepting that truth is a huge act of self-love for me. 2022 also taught me that all I need to do after doing my part in life is give in. I’m still working on that. But I learned that the twist of everything often brings me to other scenarios I came to love even more than the first plan. So 2022 taught me to say this more to myself: “Suci, just don’t worry too much!”
Who showed up for me and how I can nurture those relationships?
It’s myself first and foremost. Before my better half, before my family and anyone else. It’s me who deeply cares for me. But most of the time, I always ignore her voice and needs. To nurture this relationship I need to make the give and take system with myself better. I need to listen to her voice first before asking for other’s. I need to fulfill and satisfy her needs first before I give it to others. Then, with this getting better, I can show up better for my better half and my family who always showed up for me.
What do I need to accept about myself and other people in my life?
I need to accept that whenever I think about this or that, or when people say this or that, sometimes it’s just showing the fact that not everyone has what it takes to be something, to say something or to do something. I need to accept that there are differences, backgrounds, side stories about everything in everyone. With that fact in mind, I need to accept the fact that what I think is right is not always right. For that case, I need to be less judgy because who am I to judge?
And I also need to breathe, to take a break, to pause, to reflect before I keep going. I can’t handle everything all at once and still be okay. I need to accept that what I want is not always for the best and I need to re-adjust.
How did I cope with uncomfortable feelings?
I’m used to writing, journaling and crying when dealing with my feelings. But I learn that talking about it to the person I can be vulnerable with and I trust the most is adding more power to charge my soul. I also learned that writing the unsent letters helps a lot. Going to therapy has been playing a huge part for me to get better at feeling the feelings. And of course, I learn to be more accepting so the energy I used to spend on worrying can be utilized on feeling the feelings.
How can I better manage my reaction to my feelings?
I can learn to prioritize the time to really listen to myself inside before I can start thinking and process my feelings. If I feel like I need to cry, I’m just gonna cry it out. If I feel like I need to be angry, I’m going to write nasty and raging writings to be fully mad. I can learn to stop holding the feelings and react to the feelings in alignment with how I see fit, with what she needs.
In what ways will I take better care of myself in 2023?
I’m going to lessen the blaming session of myself every time things go south. I’m going to think of myself as the person I love the most in this life. I’m going to quit feeling guilty every time I fail to achieve or do things. I’m going to start getting used to smoking less, and I’m going to teach my brain that I don’t need to punch the wall everytime I get so angry. I’m going to trim my hair every 3 months to get it healthier and allocate more of my earnings to have a spa day, or getting a massage, or traveling with my loved ones. I’m going to learn new skills to upgrade my level on this game called surviving life. And because getting a fat paycheck makes me happy, I’m going to get a better job with a bigger paycheck. But what’s more important is that I need to be more mindful, to be present, and enjoy my time, my days. In that way, I can be happier, fulfilled, and content with everything I have and the people I love.
What has been a barrier to me completing my goals and how will I remove the barrier in 2023?
There are these different boxes of goals and expectations in life that I need to be aware of. If the goals involve external factors that I can’t control in order to make it happen, I need to make a good and detailed plan. Step by step. And for that, the expectation has been a huge problem for me because then I would be focusing on the outcome instead of the process and get distracted on the way through and then I would be less powerful to make it work. So, to make things easier for me, I need to be more realistic, focus on the day to day goals to build the huge long term dreams. I also need to know which one is more important than the other and the first indicator for that sorting process is classifying it with what would benefit my surviving life more, what would make me happier, and what will get me more time to be with the people I love.
What limiting beliefs do I need to release?
I need to get rid of the mindset that I have to meet certain criteria to be accepted, to be loved, to be worthy of anything when it comes to my family. Because they’re my family, they should and supposed to love me unconditionally. They do. I mean they will always love me for who I am. With this card in hands, I can start living my life truthfully and can use the energy I used to waste worrying about their opinion and reaction for something useful.
I also need to stop thinking that every bad thing that happened in my life happened because I’m not good enough. That mindset stops me from doing anything fully invested because then I would think that whatever I do, it’ll never be enough.
What do I need to practice doing more and less of?
I need to pay more attention to what’s inside my body to see if the machine, or my battery or anything in there needs fixing and how that affects my external reaction, behavior and attitude. I need to practice healthy eating more. I need to take care of my physical self more. I need to keep exercising every morning. I need to practice “don’t put it, put it away” more. I need to fight hard not to skip any of the 5 prayers no matter what. I need to keep on doing the routines I’ve been doing that have been giving benefits to every aspect of my life. I need to lessen my smoking habit and eventually quit. I need to quit procrastinating. I’m just going to practice everything that would help me take care of my 30 year old physical body and any good ritual to shape my spiritual and mental self.
What one boundary do I need to implement to improve my peace in 2023?
I need to have a clearer understanding on which one is my exam paper to finish, and which one isn’t. Because I’ve been drying myself out all this time, I keep trying to solve other’s cases when it’s so way out of my paygrade, beyond my limits, and it exhausts me. My legendary aunt says: when the weight feels too heavy, it’s probably not ours to carry. In simpler words, I need to make clear boxes to put which case is mine to solve, and which one is only for me to observe.
On one fine morning, I was sitting on my black mahogany wood chair having my pandan pancakes while sending the invitation of my little brother’s wedding to a few friends I’m feeling close with. And as the regular interaction between humans occurred or as they said the common way of showing how much you care, people started asking questions. The kind of questions I kinda hate but get used to, like ‘so when will you also get married?’ Or ‘aah so your little brother is getting married, what about you? How are you feeling being left out?’ And so on, and so on.
First of all, of course I am happy that one of my soulmates is brave enough to start his new life. Why would I feel another feeling? Second, you should know that those questions started to sound irritating in my ears. At this age, I believe that I am not the only one who hears those questions haunting every time there is some kind of family gathering, or friends reunion, or reconnecting with an old friend. The kind of questions that feel unaligned with how we set our goals. The kind of questions that lots of people think is okay to be asked but to me it’s really not okay. At all.
But of course people are asking because of their love and the way they care about us (or not?). But at some point the question doesn’t sound right. So let me tell you this; just because you care about some people, doesn’t mean you’re entitled to ask such questions about their life decisions and just because you think you know people, doesn’t mean you can ask them about this certain topic. But again, I believe some people are asking because they care and wishes for their friend to have such happiness in getting married. But do you really think that people are wishing the same goal as your life decisions? Do you really think that it’s okay to ask them about when they will get married or wishing them to also get married soon? No. To me it’s a big NO.
I am not saying that I don’t appreciate what people are trying to show when they asked those questions. I understand that people are showing that they care and I truly appreciate that. So let me get this straight.
We live in a world with society where the traditions that are shown to us make us think that asking questions to what people are going to do with their life, or what steps people are going to take is okay, but really people, it’s so inappropriate. And at some points, it’s not our fault because from years to years and generations to generations, we are exposed to certain ways of life that somehow made us tend to believe that this certain way is the only way to live our life.
Exhibit A: we think that when people finish their high school they should continue their study to college and we often feel entitled to ask some of our friends ‘what college do you go to?’ Or ‘where are you going to get that bachelor degree?’
Exhibit B: we think that when a woman got her degree, got her job, and in her late 20’s she was supposed to find a man and get married, have kids, and grow old with a bunch of grandkids in her big house with her old husband then die happily. So when we have that friend who seems single in their late 20’s we feel the need to ask them ‘so have you found the one?’ Or ‘so when will you give us the big news?’ Or (the worst) ‘I wish you find the one to marry soon’.
Exhibit C: we think that when someone who is married for a certain time and we haven’t heard their updates about the kid, we started to ask ‘have you got pregnant yet?’ Or ‘oh dear, how can you still have no kid? Your husband must’ve been not pumping enough huh?’.
Again, I get that people with these questions are not entirely wrong because I understand that questioning people’s life traditions has been shown to us from years to years, generation to generation that we internalize it as a normal way to interact with other people.
But let’s think about it this way.
For some people, such questions could put a pain in their chest because what if they do really want to find the one, connected to a person that they want to spend their life with but it’s just not their time yet? What if the person you asked really wants to have kids but it’s just not their time yet when in the meantime they’re working really hard to be given one? What if they just happened to find their road harder? Wouldn’t it be cruel to remind them of how their hard road takes place? For some other people, the marriage question is a super sensitive issue that when you mentioned anything about it could bring some trauma to the surface. You’ll never know.
When for me specifically, asking those questions really sounds ingenious because, hell, people. Why would you think I’d want to get married any sooner? Why would you think I have the same goals as you do that you feel the need to wish me to get married soon? Why?
We’ll never know of what people have gone through and what they want in life. In their life. Why can’t people just wish their relatives, friends, families, or colleagues to just have a healthy and happy life? Because I personally would love to wish a happy and healthy life for the people I care about without having the need to ask such questions. So instead of questioning people’s life, why don’t we just wishing them well?
Rambutnya masih tetap terlihat patuh, berjuntai menutupi leher hingga bahu. Hari ini tanpa jepitan hitam seukuran lidi daun kelapa, tanpa karet gelang bekas bungkus sarapan pagi mewah para napi; nasi uduk porsi irit dengan potongan tahu goreng dan sambal teri. Lingkar matanya tidak sehitam berbulan-bulan yang lalu. Pipinya sekarang lebih merona meskipun sisa bekas jerawat masih menghiasi wajah oval itu. Ori mulai terlihat jauh lebih ‘Ori’ semenjak toko pernak-pernik handmade nya dibuka. Meskipun sekali dua atau tiga malam tidak jarang Uri mendengar isak kakaknya itu pecah di dalam kamarnya yang menyudut. Isak pilu yang membuatnya ikut merasa biru. Isak sepotong jantung yang masih belum sanggup mendalami ilmu ikhlas tentang cinta yang berpulang tiba-tiba.
Ori baru saja menghirup udara bebas setahun yang lalu setelah nyaris lima tahun hidup ‘dikandangi’ dan tidak ada cerita yang bisa diceritakan dengan mudah semenjak pertama polisi menjemputnya di rumah Angku setelah membongkar jok mobilnya yang menyimpan bungkusan sabu. Meskipun siang mengejutkan itu dilewati dengan senyum dingin di sudut bibirnya, Uri tetap paham bahwa banyak goresan berat yang sedang ditanggung kakaknya.
“Aku tidak mau lagi kau pulang ke rumah ini!” teriak Angku ke wajah Ori waktu itu. Sekali lagi, hanya senyum kaku dengan lengkungan dingin yang muncul di wajahnya.
Setahun pertama Ori hanya mau bertemu dengan Uri jika ada yang berkunjung. Wajahnya banyak berubah. Lebih tirus, pucat, kantung mata membesar, lingkar hitam yang semakin kental, bibir kering yang tidak lagi pernah terlihat melengkung dan rambut yang selalu diikat dengan karet gelang berwarna merah bekas bungkus nasi uduk. Uri selalu menangis setiap kali melihat kuku cantik kakaknya yang terlihat kusam dan tidak terawat sejak menjadi tahanan.
“Aku baik saja,” kata Ori setiap kali Uri terisak melihat kondisinya.
Awal tahun kedua menjadi tahanan di lapas khusus perempuan, Ori mulai menyibukan diri dengan rutinitas harian. Jika tidak sedang berminat jogging keliling lapangan, Ori pasti terlihat duduk menyudut di lapangan voli dengan buku lusuh di tangannya. Buku yang dipinjami Faron, sipir muda yang tidak pernah bersikap kasar padanya sedari awal. Ketika hari sedang hujan, Ori akan lebih banyak menghabiskan waktu di dapur membantu tim konsumsi mengupas bawang. Hingga suatu hari, Dara ditransfer dari lapas pulau seberang untuk menghabiskan sisa masa hukumannya di tempat Ori dan tiga ratus perempuan lainnya mendekam.
Dara terlihat ramah dengan mata riangnya. Dara selalu tersenyum selepas jadwal senam bersama di pagi hari dan merajut sepanjang hari. Sekali waktu Dara dengan benang dan gulungan selimut yang belum jadi menghampiri Ori yang duduk dengan buku Maya Angelou di tangannya.
“Tahun ke berapa?” tanya Dara tanpa permisi.
“Kedua,” jawab Ori dingin dengan mata tidak lepas dari halaman ke seratus lima belas.
“Sabu?” tanya Dara lagi. Ori mengangguk.
“Aku tujuh tahun lagi.” Dara mulai menyambung benang dengan ujung benang lainnya kemudian mulai menyambung rajutan selimut dengan warna olive green-nya. “Married?” tanya Dara lagi. Ori menggeleng.
“Belum,” jawabnya masih dengan wajah cuek dan sangat merasa terganggu dengan kehadiran Dara yang banyak tanya. Belum dan bukan urusanmu, sengit Ori membatin.
“Namaku Dara,” ucap Dara tanpa merasa perlu mengulurkan tangannya untuk berkenalan.
“Ori,” sahut Ori dingin.
Keduanya kemudian saling diam dan sibuk dengan benda di tangan masing-masing. sesekali Ori melirik selimut setengah jadi yang sedang dirajut Dara. Rapi, pikirnya. Sesekali juga, Dara mengintip halaman yang sedang dibaca Ori kemudian manggut-manggut sambil berdecak mencoba mengingat sesuatu.
“Hoping for the best, prepared for the worst, and unsurprised by anything in between,” ucap Dara pelan. Ori menoleh, memandang wajah Dara yang dibedaki bedak tabur.
“Sorry?” tanya Ori.
“Maya Angelou.” Dara menjawab lalu melipat selimut yang sedang ditekuni nya dan memandang buku di tangan Ori. “I know Why The Caged Bird Sings. Aku baca ini pas kuliah,” tambahnya.
Ori melipat ujung halaman 116 dan menutup bukunya.
“Lalu?” tanya Ori dengan nada dingin.
“First, aku memang baca bukunya. And I like it. Kedua, ini caraku membuka pembicaraan denganmu. Menurutku banyak orang pakai cara seperti ini untuk memulai pembicaraan dengan orang asing yang menurutnya menarik,” jelas Dara sambil tersenyum.
Tanpa dipinta pipi Ori yang selalu terlihat pucat terasa ‘berdarah’. Hangat. Namun mulutnya terkunci untuk merespon kalimat tidak terduga yang didengarnya siang ini.
“Kamarku di ujung lorong timur. Hanum dan satu sipir sering duduk di sana menunggu aku selesai membuatkan mereka sweater atau selimut untuk kucingnya. Mampir kapan-kapan,” tambah Dara sambil berdiri dan meninggalkan Ori yang masih terdiam. Alih-alih kembali membuka Maya Angelou-nya, Ori justru memperhatikan punggung Dara hingga hilang di balik pagar kawat yang ditunggui dua sipir perempuan dengan wajah kasar.
“Kak!” Uri setengah berteriak memanggil Ori yang mematung di depan gantungan tas rajutan.
“Ya.” Ori buru-buru menghapus genangan air yang menjuntai di ujung matanya.
“Ada yang datang.” Uri membukakan pintu mempersilahkan seseorang masuk ke toko pernak-pernik kakaknya.
“Ori,” panggil perempuan dengan rambut sebahu dan toned arms yang menawan. Ori tersentak dan berjalan cepat mendekat.
“Faron,” sapanya sambil memeluk erat tubuh ideal sipir kesayangannya selama menjadi tahanan. “I miss you,” bisiknya di balik bahu Faron yang menepuk-nepuk pundak Ori pelan sambil menahan genangan air mata.
“Kau lebih berisi dan sehat,” puji Faron setelah melepas pelukan dan memandang Ori lama. Ori mengangguk sambil mengusap pipi dengan sisa air matanya. “Lapas terasa berbeda sejak kamu keluar Ri,” tambah Faron lalu duduk di sebelah Uri yang baru saja masuk menaruh tiga cangkir dan satu teko berisi teh tanpa gula.
“Hidupku juga jauh berbeda sejak keluar,” sahut Ori dengan mata berlinang.
“Sudah lah. Sekarang kau sedang menjalani hidup barumu. Yang di belakang biarkan di belakang.” Faron menyesap teh yang dituang Uri. “Aku bawa sesuatu untukmu.” Faron mengaduk isi tasnya sebelum mengeluarkan sebuah buku tulis yang terlihat keriting dan menyodorkannya pada Ori.
“Apa ini?” tanya Ori dengan perasaan tidak karuan.
“Isi sel Dara yang ditahan untuk barang bukti sudah dikembalikan. Aku ambil ini karena menurutku kau butuh sesuatu seperti ini,” jawab Faron berusaha tenang. “Baca setelah kau kuat untuk benar-benar merelakan ya,” tambahnya lalu berdiri dan memeluk Ori singkat.
Ma
Buatkan aku palai rinuak dengan tanganmu
Yang daun pisangnya kau ambil dari rumpun semak di belakang rumah kita
Yang rawitnya kau petik sendiri di samping pintu dapurmu.
Ma
Temani aku menyuap cepat dan menelan lahap nasi panas dari tungku tanah liatmu
Tidak perlu tempe tahu, cukup palai rinuak buatan tanganmu.
Ma
Kemudian dengarkan celotehku sambil menghitung biji nasi yang bertumpahan dari mulutku
Jangan biarkan tercecer lebih banyak dari butiran air mata yang aku biarkan berserakan ketika menulis ini dan padamu aku benar-benar rindu.
Ditulis di Jakarta, Januari 2018