Journaling Journey: A Peek Inside My Journal Pages

One of my most cherished possessions are my journals. Oh how I love collecting all those leather bound vintage looking notebooks and relish writing on them more than typing on any good-looking keyboard. It's the feeling of the fountain pen nib gliding over the paper and the sound it makes that I love most. But, above all, it's the sense of contentment I get after completing my morning pages, writing poems in my fat vintage writing journal, or jotting down my monthly expenses and budgeting.

My fat vintage writing journals for poetry and writing ideas

People have been saying that journaling helps you declutter the mind and keep you organized. Well in my case, I’ve been journaling since I was so young when my handwriting was still hard to read even for myself. I’ve been in love with writing since I learned how to hold a pen and generate a word. And the more I grow, the more I know that it’s more than just venting or telling the diary how I was feeling that day. It was more than taking notes about lists of books I need to find in order to complete my tasks as college students. It was more than just trying to get my handwriting better and more readable.

Some notable articles are out there that tell you how journaling helps people to heal, stay sane, focused, organized, and all those benefits. But here, I am trying to give you a little peek into my journal. The page that I wrote at the very beginning of 2023 is the kind of page I have been doing every new year to help me navigate, look back at what I have gone through, and see what I have learned from the year to set some self-growth goals for the coming year. With the help of journaling prompts I found on Pinterest, here are the questions I answered on the new year pages I wrote at the very end of 2022 to welcome my 2023.

Disclaimer: Below part is the real text from the original pages and me sharing this is me being vulnerable to everyone who would spend their time reading. It would be worth it if my annual reflection could help and inspire you. So yeah, I hope this one gives a lot of people the words they need to hear, I hope some of you can relate to this and feel heard, I hope it would be helpful to you as it has been really helpful to me.

What did 2022 teach me about myself?

This year has taught me that I am a strong one. Even better, I’m the strongest even though most of the time I forgot to praise myself and thank her for being so strong, standing tall and walking out just fine after everything that I’ve gone through.

But I learn that as strong as I thought I’am, I still need compassion that I keep giving to others for myself. I learned that I can get mad, I can cry ugly, I can break down, and feel like doing nothing and that’s okay. It’s okay to feel all the emotions, acknowledging my own feelings, going through phases and all. Because instead of ruining me, all of that makes me grow. Even stronger.

2022 taught me that I need to always remember that we can only plan, work on it and hope that everything will work out just fine. Everything else is out of our control. Accepting that truth is a huge act of self-love for me. 2022 also taught me that all I need to do after doing my part in life is give in. I’m still working on that. But I learned that the twist of everything often brings me to other scenarios I came to love even more than the first plan. So 2022 taught me to say this more to myself: “Suci, just don’t worry too much!”

Who showed up for me and how I can nurture those relationships?

It’s myself first and foremost. Before my better half, before my family and anyone else. It’s me who deeply cares for me. But most of the time, I always ignore her voice and needs. To nurture this relationship I need to make the give and take system with myself better. I need to listen to her voice first before asking for other’s. I need to fulfill and satisfy her needs first before I give it to others. Then, with this getting better, I can show up better for my better half and my family who always showed up for me.

What do I need to accept about myself and other people in my life?

I need to accept that whenever I think about this or that, or when people say this or that, sometimes it’s just showing the fact that not everyone has what it takes to be something, to say something or to do something. I need to accept that there are differences, backgrounds, side stories about everything in everyone. With that fact in mind, I need to accept the fact that what I think is right is not always right. For that case, I need to be less judgy because who am I to judge?

And I also need to breathe, to take a break, to pause, to reflect before I keep going. I can’t handle everything all at once and still be okay. I need to accept that what I want is not always for the best and I need to re-adjust.

How did I cope with uncomfortable feelings?

I’m used to writing, journaling and crying when dealing with my feelings. But I learn that talking about it to the person I can be vulnerable with and I trust the most is adding more power to charge my soul. I also learned that writing the unsent letters helps a lot. Going to therapy has been playing a huge part for me to get better at feeling the feelings. And of course, I learn to be more accepting so the energy I used to spend on worrying can be utilized on feeling the feelings.

How can I better manage my reaction to my feelings?

I can learn to prioritize the time to really listen to myself inside before I can start thinking and process my feelings. If I feel like I need to cry, I’m just gonna cry it out. If I feel like I need to be angry, I’m going to write nasty and raging writings to be fully mad. I can learn to stop holding the feelings and react to the feelings in alignment with how I see fit, with what she needs.

In what ways will I take better care of myself in 2023?

I’m going to lessen the blaming session of myself every time things go south. I’m going to think of myself as the person I love the most in this life. I’m going to quit feeling guilty every time I fail to achieve or do things. I’m going to start getting used to smoking less, and I’m going to teach my brain that I don’t need to punch the wall everytime I get so angry. I’m going to trim my hair every 3 months to get it healthier and allocate more of my earnings to have a spa day, or getting a massage, or traveling with my loved ones. I’m going to learn new skills to upgrade my level on this game called surviving life. And because getting a fat paycheck makes me happy, I’m going to get a better job with a bigger paycheck. But what’s more important is that I need to be more mindful, to be present, and enjoy my time, my days. In that way, I can be happier, fulfilled, and content with everything I have and the people I love.

What has been a barrier to me completing my goals and how will I remove the barrier in 2023?

There are these different boxes of goals and expectations in life that I need to be aware of. If the goals involve external factors that I can’t control in order to make it happen, I need to make a good and detailed plan. Step by step. And for that, the expectation has been a huge problem for me because then I would be focusing on the outcome instead of the process and get distracted on the way through and then I would be less powerful to make it work. So, to make things easier for me, I need to be more realistic, focus on the day to day goals to build the huge long term dreams. I also need to know which one is more important than the other and the first indicator for that sorting process is classifying it with what would benefit my surviving life more, what would make me happier, and what will get me more time to be with the people I love.

What limiting beliefs do I need to release?

I need to get rid of the mindset that I have to meet certain criteria to be accepted, to be loved, to be worthy of anything when it comes to my family. Because they’re my family, they should and supposed to love me unconditionally. They do. I mean they will always love me for who I am. With this card in hands, I can start living my life truthfully and can use the energy I used to waste worrying about their opinion and reaction for something useful.

I also need to stop thinking that every bad thing that happened in my life happened because I’m not good enough. That mindset stops me from doing anything fully invested because then I would think that whatever I do, it’ll never be enough.

What do I need to practice doing more and less of?

I need to pay more attention to what’s inside my body to see if the machine, or my battery or anything in there needs fixing and how that affects my external reaction, behavior and attitude. I need to practice healthy eating more. I need to take care of my physical self more. I need to keep exercising every morning. I need to practice “don’t put it, put it away” more. I need to fight hard not to skip any of the 5 prayers no matter what. I need to keep on doing the routines I’ve been doing that have been giving benefits to every aspect of my life. I need to lessen my smoking habit and eventually quit. I need to quit procrastinating. I’m just going to practice everything that would help me take care of my 30 year old physical body and any good ritual to shape my spiritual and mental self.

What one boundary do I need to implement to improve my peace in 2023?

I need to have a clearer understanding on which one is my exam paper to finish, and which one isn’t. Because I’ve been drying myself out all this time, I keep trying to solve other’s cases when it’s so way out of my paygrade, beyond my limits, and it exhausts me. My legendary aunt says: when the weight feels too heavy, it’s probably not ours to carry. In simpler words, I need to make clear boxes to put which case is mine to solve, and which one is only for me to observe.

Can You Call This A Guide? That Depends

Whenever people would ask if I like the smell of the ocean or the aroma of the ground after hours of heavy rain, my answer would be “That depends”. I can like the smell of the ocean if the place where I’m standing is not close enough to where the fishers put their fishing tools or catch, because I just can’t stand the smell of saltwater fish. And I can like the aroma of the ground after hours of heavy rain if I were at some place where there’s grass and lots of tall trees.

It all works the same when people ask if I like being locked down for the past 2 years without being able to travel. Hell, even for work, we’re told to work from home. Do I like how it went the past 2 years? That depends!

So unfortunately after all this time, I got my turn to experience being Covid positive. I thought it was just normal fever or some kind of dengue fever symptoms. It wasn’t such a huge shock to me to be honest because lots of my colleagues were infected. Lots of people in my apartment building were also infected. It was only a matter of time until my “new normal” hygiene practice was no longer powerful enough to protect me.

So there I was, serving my 7 days self-quarantine at home suffering from dry cough, nasal congestion and other symptoms. The good thing was, I got to rest all day all night binge watching my new favorite series and fell asleep between each episode. The time I wouldn’t really get if it weren’t for being tested positive.

During that time, I got all the space I needed to think, to question everything that came to my mind. Since Covid isn’t really a hot topic anymore, before I got my turn, I didn’t think about the pandemic much. Not until now. All this time, it got me thinking about what I have achieved or learned after all this time.

I’ve taught myself to practice the belief that everything should always be seen from different angles. It’s always working for me to accept certain hard and complicated situations. Sometimes, this method can cheer me up on my worst days. The other time, it also helps me to see the bigger picture about anything that has been the center of my attention.

And that is one of the main reasons why my answer about the last horror 2 and half years would vary, it depends on what angle you want me to showcase the answer. But what I do like the most about it, is the pandemic gave me enough time to grow. And not everyone has the same privilege. But I chose to make it so for me.

We survived more than 2 years of horrible time to live and breathe. It’s the pandemic. The one word I’ve never expected to be so familiar with. I don’t even know how to differentiate it from endemic back then. But these past 2 years—well I’m speaking for myself—we’ve been stuck, locked in one place while there’s this contagious disease spreading to every place on earth. But I’m not going to keep talking about it (I’ve written one about it here). I just want to share my story.

I believe I'm not the only one who chose to use the last couple of years for learning and keep growing. It’s like time has finally felt like it’s slowing down for us to catch up on some important goals we have in mind but never really had time to make it happen. It seems like time has stretched itself so thin that we finally experienced the feeling of having a weekend for so long. Remember that feeling from 2 years ago?

Anyway, feeling lucky and blessed, I’m so grateful that I still get to work during that time, I still have a job. Some people don’t. But again, I chose to learn and grow. So besides working from home back the, I got to spent the extra time as the outcome from not having to commute everyday for doing lots of useful activities.

I can just binge watch lots of TV shows and movies and take the time to jot down some valuable and meaningful lines. I watched tons of videos about Japanese chef’s knife skills and learned how to cut onions perfectly. I keep writing and finishing one manuscript for another novel. I kept practicing and finally can proudly answer “Damn right I can” whenever people ask if I can swim. I read piles of books and learnt a lot about things I never really put enough attention to.

A blessing in disguise is what it is for me to describe the past 2 years. I mean, outside of myself, a lot of new businesses were born out of this time. People are really using the last 2 years as a moment to change the phase, to slide the direction. And I take that fact, as another moment of growing.

So if people can have and make it, growing isn’t a thing you can’t afford. You just have to choose to. Because this time, we can see and learnt that time, chances, and some other things are just rare enough to buy even if you have a shitload of money. No. Sometimes, money is just not enough.

Yang Perlu Kamu Tahu Tentang Ritual dan Rutinitas

Kamu bangun pagi lalu mandi padahal matamu masih ingin dibawa bermanja-manja, kamu berangkat kerja, mengerjakan tugas-tugasmu di kantor, lalu pulang, menghabiskan sisa waktu sebelum kembali tidur untuk beberapa hal kecil seperti memasak atau bersih-bersih kemudian merebahkan badan dan mengulangi semuanya setiap hari. Suatu hari kamu merasa bosan, jenuh, dan lelah dengan bagaimana hari-harimu berlalu.

Kamu berdiri di sudut kecil di bagian samping gedung kantormu dan menghisap asap nikotin dari lintingan rokok yang selalu kamu bawa-bawa setiap tiga atau empat jam dari jam kerjamu dan menikmati bagaimana detik berganti detik hingga beberapa menit berdiri di smoking area itu membuatmu merasa pulih dari lelah yang menumpuk sejak duduk di bangku kerja sedari pagi. Dan kamu selalu hadir di sudut itu setiap hari, di jam-jam tertentu dalam sehari.

Apa perbedaan yang terasa menonjol dari dua cerita ini?

Rutinitas dan Sebuah Ritual

Secara bahasa, dalam KBBI dijelaskan bahwa rutinitas berasal dari kata rutin yang memiliki arti prosedur yang teratur dan tidak berubah-ubah. Prosedur tersebut adalah tahapan untuk mencapai tujuan tertentu. Sedangkan dalam Wikipedia, ritual diartikan sebagai kata sifat yang menjelaskan serangkaian kegiatan yang dilaksanakan terutama untuk tujuan simbolis yang dilaksanakan berdasarkan agama atau tradisi tertentu yang tidak dapat dilakukan sembarangan karena sudah diatur dan ditentukan. Biasanya, sebuah ritual bersifat sakral.

Baca Juga: Ritual Menyembuhkan

Bagi saya, sepanjang apapun penjelasan tentang arti ritual dan rutinitas, saya hanya punya satu pemahaman jelas untuk mengartikan dua kata ini; rutinitas adalah sesuatu yang terus dilakukan karena harus, sedangkan ritual adalah sesuatu yang dilakukan terus menerus karena butuh. Menjalani sebuah rutinitas akan cepat menumbuhkan kebosanan jika tidak diselingi oleh kegiatan lain sebagai variasi, sementara dalam melakukan ritual, meninggalkan satu bagian kecil saja akan membuat kita merasa kurang.

Kamu selalu berangkat kerja dengan bus dan menunggunya di halte setelah melintasi jembatan penyeberangan karena kamu harus berada di kantor. Rangkaian pergerakanmu mulai dari berjalan ke jembatan penyeberangan, berdiri di halte, hingga menaiki bus ini adalah rutinitas yang kamu lakukan setiap hari karena kamu harus berada di kantor setiap hari.

Kamu bangun tidur, menyeduh kopi lalu membuat sarapan sederhana dari roti dan bahan pelengkap yang ada di dapur kemudian melahapnya karena kamu butuh untuk mengisi perutmu dengan makanan agar kamu punya tenaga untuk melakukan banyak jenis kegiatan setiap hari. Rangkaian proses menyeduh kopi, menyiapkan sarapan hingga melahapnya ini kamu lakukan setiap hari. Sekali lagi, karena butuh.

Oke, lantas?

Ketika sesuatu yang kamu lakukan berulang-ulang dan terus-menerus itu terasa membosankan, barangkali kamu hanya sedang menjalani rutinitas tanpa sempat menyelinginya dengan kegiatan lain. Dan jika sesuatu terasa sedang tidak berjalan dengan baik dalam hidupmu (hubungan dengan orang tua atau pasangan misalnya), mungkin ada ritual yang tertinggal dari proses interaksi tersebut.

Maka lengkapi rangkaian ritualmu tentang apapun itu karena untuk sebuah kebutuhan, tidak ada yang bisa ditawar-tawar dan jalani rutinitasmu dengan mengusahakan celah untuk sebuah keragaman agar tidak cepat bosan.

Baca Juga: Secuil Narasi Tentang Bahagia

Rumah dan Sebuah Kata Pulang

Secuil Narasi Tentang Bahagia

Bahagia adalah satu kata yang kerap disebut-sebut untuk menggambarkan suasana hati pada keadaan tertentu. Seringkali bahagia dijadikan alasan atau tujuan akhir dari apapun yang sedang dan akan dilakukan. Lebih sering lagi, bahagia dijadikan beban karena entah bagaimana tidak peduli apapun yang sudah kamu lakukan, bahagia tidak kunjung datang.

Lemme tell you one thing, my friend. Bahagia itu lahirnya di bagian tidak terlihat di dalam kepala itu, kemudian menjalar ke potongan abstrak di balik dada yang sering terasa sesak itu dan tidak mudah menemukannya ketika pikiranmu sibuk mencari tahu apa yang membuatmu tidak bahagia.

Tanpa bermaksud pura-pura tangguh atau bertingkah bijak, lemme tell you another thing about ‘bahagia’; semua hanya persoalan mindset.

Baca Juga: Titik Nadir; Sebuah Mitos

Terdengar klise tapi sulit diaplikasikan?

Kamu tidak akan merasa bahagia ketika menghadapi makan siang lengkap dengan menu super enak kalau kepalamu masih saja mencari-cari alasan untuk mengedepankan kekurangan dari makan siangmu itu. Seperti ‘percuma makan siang enak tapi makannya sendirian’ misalnya.

Kamu tidak akan merasa bahagia memiliki pekerjaan tetap karena kepalamu masih saja mencari celah untuk menganggap bahwa pekerjaan itu membosankan atau rekan kerjamu sama sekali tidak menyenangkan untuk diajak berinteraksi.

Kamu tidak akan merasa bahagia bepergian kesana-kemari jika kepalamu masih suka mengeluhkan berbagai hal yang tidak bisa kamu atur.

Jadi?

Sekali lagi, bahagia itu kita yang buat. Cara sederhana paling sulitnya adalah dengan merasa cukup sebab apapun yang kita punya dan dapatkan, apapun yang tidak seharusnya kita dapatkan dan tidak miliki, tidak akan pernah tertukar.

Sekali lagi, bahagia itu kita yang buat. Cara sederhana lainnya yang terasa sulit adalah dengan memahami bahwa bahagia itu ternyata adalah sebuah proses dan terasa dalam sebuah proses karena apapun yang kita jalani dan lakukan dalam hidup ini adalah sebuah proses.

Proses?

Benar. Sebuah proses. Bahagia adalah sebuah proses dan bukan tujuan akhir.

Baca Juga: The Climb; Bukan Puncaknya