I was raised and come from a privileged family. Well educated parents, warm big family members, good financial situation so that I can have a good education, fulfill the needs of school equipment and books, and filtered entertainment on our old TV.
I believe I’m smart. Smart enough that I got to go to college without any trouble and graduated on time with good grades. I also believe that my background as a woman who grew in traditional Minangkabau culture has influenced the way I look at issues around the world.
I never really care about inflation, or the rising price of household needs, or the corrupt system in every level of any field in our country. I remember being pissed at college students who marched on Khatib Sulaiman street following the rising price of BBM, because back then I thought that that was an unnecessary thing to do.
I kept telling my friends just to have a life, study hard, and graduate sooner, instead of hanging around with some other students and discussing politics.
Come to think of how ignorant I was, I wish I could fly back in time and tell my younger self, “hello young lady, please read more stuff other than that romance novel, please watch around and wake up”.
But I wouldn’t blame her. She was young, naive, and she never really experienced bigger issues directly affecting her life. Because as I said, I came from a privileged background where my father would solve things for me. I am lucky.
Speaking of luck and privileges, I still think that I have the privilege to have time to learn with a lot of free resources around. I am so lucky to meet people who would discuss things with me, open my eyes, and introduce me to things I’ve never really understood.
Because of that, I’ve spent the past two years learning about things I should’ve been familiar with since I was young.
Who would’ve known that I am now familiar with Mona Eltahawy or Blaire Imani’s voices. that I’ve read Kalis Mardiasih’s books and that I’m proud to have Roxane Gay’s book standing in our book cabinet.
Who would’ve guessed that now I could cry everytime I hear the I Believe You song from FLETCHER, or that now I realize I have a flaming rage after I watched Bombshell and Promising Young Women.
Yep. In every chapter or every story of the suffering women in Mbak Kalis’s books, I cried. It’s like the fact that there are women who’s hurting mentally and physically has squeezed my eyes dry.
I believe it’s the same reason that pumps my heart faster full of anger watching Bombshell and the same reason causing me a long hour of crying in desperation after I watched Promising Young Women.
On the other hand, that same reason is the very excuse for me not reading news about sexual assault or child exploitation in our country because I’m protecting my mental health and feelings. Because I’m feeling powerless.
But there was this one time when I could hold my breath with teary anger while listening to I Believe You song by FLETCHER. This powerful underrated song has brought back that reason to my mind. Crawling in my throat and pushing me to phrase that reason. The fuel of this anger. The cause of what I’m feeling. I believe the feeling is higher than solidarity. I couldn’t find the exact words to describe it.
What I do know is, “I’m not free while any woman is unfree, even when her shackles are very different from my own,” just like this statement of Audrey Lorde.
So here I am, trying to write my journey of becoming a woman who understands that we need to do something no matter in what field we are working on, despite every background we have.
And yes here I am realizing how far I’ve come to wanting to do more to add more power to us women.
Because if I was an ignorant young girl who would negatively comment on people marching, then she is now a woman who would join, screaming and do anything she could in any women’s march.